Thoughts

So what do you do when it feels like your body is rebelling against you? What do you do when it feels like you just cant keep your head lifted up high?

Lately all i feel like is hell... Im not so sure counseling is even going to help me at this point. I feel so far gone again in my eating disorder. Nothing can stop me. But i want so badly for this hell to end. To stop hating myself.

I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what i See. Instead i see a girl who is unhappy. A girl who is lost and trying to hide it everyday. A girl who walks through her day trying to pretend like everything in her life is just dandy. Truth be told im struggling with my body. Im struggling to be able to be okay with food. Struggling with keeping up with my school work.

What will it take for me to just be okay??

Update

So i started to open up again... Although today i did isolate myself away from my friends at school. We where all sitting together and i couldn't take so i got up and walked away.

After my therapy session though i started to feel a little better. I was so open and honest and when i came home later on i told my aunt that i have acted out on my ED behaviors this week. I have been having so much trouble with my body image this week. I look in the mirror and i feel so disgusted and i hate what i see. I want to be thin. anything to be thin. i will poke at my theighs they touch and to me i hate it and it gross. My stomach needs to be flatter it could use some work.

But when i step back and realize how critical i am being of myself its sad that i let it get this far. I put my self down so harshly. People tell me your so pretty and beautiful and i have a hard time accepting it and taking it and letting myself believe it. Im hoping that with this therapy i can let these negative thoughts go, and i can learn to love myself again and learn to love my life. I want to find joy again and peace and happiness.

For right now i am going to take it one day at a time and make a serious goal for myself to make it this whole week without acting out on my ED behaviors i will let you guys know if i made it :))



A song about recovery by natalie grant. From what i have read she has also stuggled from bulimia as well. The song is called the real me.

WHY???

Why am i pushing everyone out again? Why am I letting myself slip further and further away again?
I feel like i failure and i feel depressed. I feel even worse because i have so many people around me who love and care about me and all i want to do is push them away and try to do it on my own. I want to be independent and face this on my own. I tld my mentor today that i was okay and i am dealing but truth be told the way i am coping and dealing is going to eventually kill me and it scares me... I know that one time of purging can knock my body out of whack and i can die. But why isnt this enough to make me stop. I keep asking myself this over and over again. I hope i can get myself together and be okay and just deal.



I just want to be happy and for everything to be okay again

I AM ME! I WILL STOP THINKING LESS OF MYSELF

My Day

So my day started off pretty bad. I havnt kept anything down all day. Iv been stressed my household was on rocks.

But I know everything is going to be okay now. Everyone has worked everything out together and everyone is getting along.

I just had dinner and im feeling iffy with it on my stomach. I am going to try so hard to keep it dwn. I just have to.

I want my recovery so bad. I want it more than anything. But at times it gets so hard. I forget whats important in my life with all the crazyness going on around me.

I need to start foucing on my health and how i can improve it and not worry about everything else. Its sound selfish but i know its what has to be done.

I dont want to ignore everyone else problems and not care about them. Because i do. Im not going to forget whats important in my life which is my family.

I love everyone around me but i need to have me come first in the situation i am in.

Body Peace Treaty.. I VOW TO

Thoughts

I wake up and its the first thought that pops in my head. FOOD! When am I going to get my next fix of a purge. Its just like a drug addiction. I try so hard to stop myself and I try to think whats really causing me to want to do this to myself. Its hurting me.

I cant always figure it out. And i know until I do I am going to keep slipping.

I go to my first appt on wednesday with my new therapist. Im anxious and nervous all the same time. Im really hoping this one works out.

So I really want to share this blog with my family but I'm scared to. I dont know how they would react to it. Any Takers on this thought suggestions. Should I or Shouldn't I?

How I Feel

That Voice in My head

We argue in my head. We go back and forth. The things she tells me are you know you want to. I'm here for you. You know I will make you feel better. Iv always been there for you. I'm the one who really cares about you.

I try to make her shut up but at times i really cant. She usually ends up winning but im trying so hard to change that.

She so abusive towards me and shes so mean and cruel.

I wish she would fuck off and just go away. Her name is MIA and shes my ED.

Iv struggled for 5 years now and it hasn't been easy. Iv been in and out of recovery. She just never really goes away. She has been apart of me for so long I just don't know how to let her go.

I have a mentor now and i have a new therapist and iv got some family support.
I'm hoping I can really kick this disease once and for all this time.

I'm starting to realize that I cant do this alone. Even though at times i feel so alone and no one understands this battle i am going through.

I know alot of people may not understand and i cant make them. All I can do is ask for their support and hope they are just there for me.

My Day

So today I did alot of things. I had some laughs and giggles but i also had some serious momments to. I went through alot today. Its my first day keeping my food down. I had my first therapy appt for the first time in a long time. I was completely honest and was open with my aunt and uncle. It has been an overwhelming. Then for fun my brother and I put mentos in diet soda that was fun. I like being able to spend time with him. I got to talk to m mentor twice today. I am so greatful for her. But at time i feel like a burden in her life. Like i contact her way to much. I think i need a day without contacting her. I dont want to seem so needy to her. Im glad to have her there esp when i am going through a hard time and she talks me down. But I still feel bad to sit there and think about it. I mean i no im not but i feel like im this person in her life who is just complaining. I really hate feeling like that.

If You really Knew What going on Underneath it all

If you really knew me I might disappoint you
If you really knew all the purging Iv done
All the trust would be lost
Truth of the matter I want nothing more than to get better.
I hate who I am and What Iv become
I feel as if my treatment was nothing more than a waste
Someone please save me from the failure Iv become.
I look for the light, someone to pull me from this dark tunnel.
I learn that Im not alone
I have people who care to help pull me through
For now I'll take it day by day and hope for the best and know
Everything will be OKay
Atleast I hope for my sake!!