So what do you do when it feels like your body is rebelling against you? What do you do when it feels like you just cant keep your head lifted up high?
Lately all i feel like is hell... Im not so sure counseling is even going to help me at this point. I feel so far gone again in my eating disorder. Nothing can stop me. But i want so badly for this hell to end. To stop hating myself.
I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what i See. Instead i see a girl who is unhappy. A girl who is lost and trying to hide it everyday. A girl who walks through her day trying to pretend like everything in her life is just dandy. Truth be told im struggling with my body. Im struggling to be able to be okay with food. Struggling with keeping up with my school work.
What will it take for me to just be okay??
Saturday, October 8, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Update
So i started to open up again... Although today i did isolate myself away from my friends at school. We where all sitting together and i couldn't take so i got up and walked away.
After my therapy session though i started to feel a little better. I was so open and honest and when i came home later on i told my aunt that i have acted out on my ED behaviors this week. I have been having so much trouble with my body image this week. I look in the mirror and i feel so disgusted and i hate what i see. I want to be thin. anything to be thin. i will poke at my theighs they touch and to me i hate it and it gross. My stomach needs to be flatter it could use some work.
But when i step back and realize how critical i am being of myself its sad that i let it get this far. I put my self down so harshly. People tell me your so pretty and beautiful and i have a hard time accepting it and taking it and letting myself believe it. Im hoping that with this therapy i can let these negative thoughts go, and i can learn to love myself again and learn to love my life. I want to find joy again and peace and happiness.
For right now i am going to take it one day at a time and make a serious goal for myself to make it this whole week without acting out on my ED behaviors i will let you guys know if i made it :))
A song about recovery by natalie grant. From what i have read she has also stuggled from bulimia as well. The song is called the real me.
After my therapy session though i started to feel a little better. I was so open and honest and when i came home later on i told my aunt that i have acted out on my ED behaviors this week. I have been having so much trouble with my body image this week. I look in the mirror and i feel so disgusted and i hate what i see. I want to be thin. anything to be thin. i will poke at my theighs they touch and to me i hate it and it gross. My stomach needs to be flatter it could use some work.
But when i step back and realize how critical i am being of myself its sad that i let it get this far. I put my self down so harshly. People tell me your so pretty and beautiful and i have a hard time accepting it and taking it and letting myself believe it. Im hoping that with this therapy i can let these negative thoughts go, and i can learn to love myself again and learn to love my life. I want to find joy again and peace and happiness.
For right now i am going to take it one day at a time and make a serious goal for myself to make it this whole week without acting out on my ED behaviors i will let you guys know if i made it :))
A song about recovery by natalie grant. From what i have read she has also stuggled from bulimia as well. The song is called the real me.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
WHY???
Why am i pushing everyone out again? Why am I letting myself slip further and further away again?
I feel like i failure and i feel depressed. I feel even worse because i have so many people around me who love and care about me and all i want to do is push them away and try to do it on my own. I want to be independent and face this on my own. I tld my mentor today that i was okay and i am dealing but truth be told the way i am coping and dealing is going to eventually kill me and it scares me... I know that one time of purging can knock my body out of whack and i can die. But why isnt this enough to make me stop. I keep asking myself this over and over again. I hope i can get myself together and be okay and just deal.
I just want to be happy and for everything to be okay again
I feel like i failure and i feel depressed. I feel even worse because i have so many people around me who love and care about me and all i want to do is push them away and try to do it on my own. I want to be independent and face this on my own. I tld my mentor today that i was okay and i am dealing but truth be told the way i am coping and dealing is going to eventually kill me and it scares me... I know that one time of purging can knock my body out of whack and i can die. But why isnt this enough to make me stop. I keep asking myself this over and over again. I hope i can get myself together and be okay and just deal.
I just want to be happy and for everything to be okay again
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